Why Is Inter Caste Marriage An Issue Even Today?

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Parents who say that they are living in 21st century and are also the people of 21st century [i.e. – open minded] are actually not of 21st century if they actually sit and think about it.

When the matter comes to marriage about their daughter, and when the daughter says that “I have someone in my life and I want to marry that person and he is not of same cast as we are”, they will start with their 17th centuries crap dialogues like,
“We have a good reputation in the SAMAJ”
“We will not accept any other samaj’s guy in our SAMAJ”
“We will cut off relation with you if you marry that guy”
“We have done so much for you and you are showing us this day”
“Our SAMAJ will not accept this and not even us”
“we care about our SAMAJS happiness and our reputation that we have earned since so many years”, and so many other giant statements that are totally stodgy.

Here is a story of a girl Sweety & Rohit her Love ,who is facing this problem these days.

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The girl Sweety is from a gujarati family, after 23 years when her parents started finding a perfect Guy for her marriage, she had to tell her parents that “I am in love with someone and I want to marry that guy and will not be happy with anyone else, and I want your blessings for this”.
knowing that her parents are orthodox and will not accept this, her first problem was how to keep this statement in front of her parents so that it does not create a bad impression of her guy in front of them, first thing she did was she called her few close friends & Rohit at her place for lunch on a Sunday so that her parents see Rohit at least as a friend, so that when she talks to her parents about him, they have idea who is this guy she is talking about.
After showing him, now she had to talk to her parents, she decided a Sunday will be better when both of her parents are at home together so that she can talk to both of them, this is how she kept her point in front of them –
She went in her parents room, said “I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT “, they said “YES” she first asked them … YOU KNOW MY FRIEND Rohit .. They said YES..Then she asked them YOU HAVE MET HIM, ALSO HAD SOME CONVERSATION..SO AFTER THAT WHAT DO U THINK, HOW IS HE, I MEAN WHAT KIND OF A GUY IS HE, WHAT DO U THINK HIS FAMILY IS LIKE ? .. THEY replied WE DONT KNOW … she said STILL.. They said NO IDEA…
Then she said OK, THE THING I WANTED TO TELL YOU IS, SOME TIME BACK ROHIT HAD PROPOSED ME FOR MARRIAGE, BUT I HAVE NOT YET SAID YES TO HIM, AND ALSO I HAVE NOT SAID NO.. BECAUSE EVEN I LIKE HIM , AND BEFORE SAYING YES TO HIM I WANTED YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THIS AND I WANTED EVEN YOU TO ACCEPT HIM ,AND I KNOW AND HAVE FULL CONFIDENCE THAT HE WILL KEEP ME HAPPY ALWAYS.
Then her father said IN THIS CASE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ACCEPT HIM, ITS NOT POSSIBLE, I WILL NEVER SAY YES FOR THIS, WE WONT SHOUT AT YOU NOT EVEN FORCE YOU, ITS YOUR LIFE, ITS YOUR DECITION, YOU HAVE TO THINK WHAT YOU WANT, IF YOU ONLY WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY THN YOU DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN, I WILL NEVER SUPPORT YOU.. I WILL ALSO NOT DO LIKE WHAT OTHERS DO, I WILL NOT SUPPORT YOU,I WILL NOT KEEP RELATION LIKE OTHER KEPT WITH THRS DAUGHERS FAMILY ..I WILL DO WHAT I THINK IS GOOD.. MY DECISION WILL BE THE SAME…
Then she asked him IF HE WAS OF OUR CAST THN U COULD HAVE SAID YES NA ?.. he said YES, then he said BUT I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN OUR CAST, then he said WHEN WE HAD GOT A PROPOSAL FOR MY YOUNGER BROTHERS MARRIAGE, THEY WERE GIVING LOT OF GOLD AND MONEY , I SAID NO BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT IN OUR COMMUNITY,PEOPLE BLAMED ME THEY SAID THAT BECAUSE MY YONGER BROTHER IS GETTING SOMUCH GOLD AND ALL THTS WHY I AM SAYING NO, BUT STILL I SAID NO MEANS NO, AND REJECTED THAT PROPOSAL, IF I CAN NOT ACCEPT THT , THN THIS IS WAY BEYOND..THIS GUY IS NOT EVEN IN OUR CAST, COMMUNITY IS A DIFFERENT QUESTION…. SO I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT, I WONT BE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT… STILL I AM TELLING YOU IF YOU THINK YOUR HAPPINESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THN OTHERS THN YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN, then she said U THINK IF I WILL MARRY A GUY WHICH U SHOW ME ?WHAT WILL YOU D OWHEN I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE GUY YOU SHOW ME ? WILL YOU BE HAPPY? … he said THTS WHT I AM TELLING YOU.. YOU WILL MARRY THIS GUY AND ONLY U WILL BE HAPPY NOT OTHERS…I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS EVER, AND IF YOUR MOM SAYS YES THN I WILL GIVE EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE TO YOU AND YOUR MOM AND WILL LEAVE THIS PLACE AND THEN YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT, I WILL MAKE MY OWN NEW WORLD IN SOME OTHER CITY OR COUNTRY,DONT EVER EVEN TRY TO FIND ME THEN, YOU TALK TO YOUR MOM, AND SEE WHAT SHE SAYS.. IT’S NO FROM ME… NOW IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR MOM…
And her mother didn’t want to say any thing as she was also against this…
After 2 days she again went to them and started talking
She ASKED I HAD TOLD YOU BOTH ABOUT ROHIT, AND I AM SURE YOU BOTH MUST HAVE DISCUSSED ABOUT IT.
Her father said, YES.
She said” SO WHAT YOU HAVE DECIDED?”mehandi.jpg
Then her father started
I HAVE ALREADY TOLD U THT ITS NOT POSSIBLE, I M AGAINST IT, AND IA M NEVER GONNA SAY YES FOR THIS, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH MEHNAT NOT JUST TO SEE THIS DAY, I HAVE TAKEN LOTS OF PAIN NOT FOR THIS DAY, I AM NOT GOING TO SAY YES .. YOU FORGET IT, AND IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS, THN I ALREADY HAD TOLD YOU, YOU ARE FREE TO DO. I WILL NOT SUPPORT YOU AT ALL.I WILL NOT LET MY STATUS RUIN LIKE THIS.. I WILL NEVER LET MY SAMAJ SAY A WORD FOR ME…
She told him, FATHER, NOT LOOKING AT YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTERS HAPPINESS YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANCE FOR JUST A WORD? THAT IS YOUR SURNAME?.
He said, YES… I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY THING ELSE, I CARE ABOUT MY AND MY SAMAJ’S HAPPINESS.. I WILL NEVER LET ANY ONE ELSE TO ENTER IN MY SAMAJ AND ALSO WONT SEND MY DAUGHTER TO ANY OTHER SAMAJ.
She told him WHT IF I MARRY YOUR SAMAJ’S GUY AND I FACE ANY PROBLEM IN FUTURE, YOU THINK YOUR SAMAJ IS GOING TO HELP ME?
He said, THIS IS ALL YOUR BRAINS THING, NOTHING AS SUCH IS GOING TO HAPPEN, THOUSANS OF PEOPLE GET MARRIED NOTHING HAPPEND TO THEM AND YOU THINK YOU WILL GET A PROBLEM.
She said, WHAT IF IT HAPPENS TO ME?
He said ITS ALL IN YOUR BRAIN AND YOU ARE MAKING YOUR STORIES TO CONVINCE US.. YOU JUST FORGET IT…
ITS ALL UP TO YOU, YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT, FOR ME MY AND MY SAMAJ’S HAPPINESS IS EVERYONE’S HAPPINESS, THT’S IT. I HAVE DONE LOTS OF MEHANT AND EARNED GOOD NAME AND REPUTATION.
She said, WHT WILLÂ YOU DO OF YOUR NAME WHN I WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH A GUY THAT YOU WILL SHOW ME ?.. YOU WILL TELL ME THT YOU STAY WITH THAT GUY BECAUSE OF MY GOOD REPUTATION? .. BECAUSE OF MY GOOD NAME IN SAMAJ?
He said, WE WILL SEE AT THAT TIME AND YES I WILL TELL YOU TO STAY THR..
Then they blamed her friends, they also said WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON YOUR ELDER SISTERS MARRIAGE, FOR WHAT THAT WAS ? .. IT WAS ALL FOR HER HAPPINESS, AND SHE IS HAPPY THR NOW,YOU THINK WE WILL FIND A BAD GUY FOR YOU ?..

Then they also said YOU TAKE YOUR STEP WHAT EVER YOU WANT , BUT REMEMBER THAT IF YOU GO WITH THAT GUY, OUR ELDER DAUGHTER IS GONNA SUFFER JUST BECAUSE OF YOU, PEOPLE ARE GONNA SAYÂ THAT BECAUSE BOTH THE GIRLS WERE THIS TYPE [RAKHDU] THAT IS WHY THR FATHER SPENT SO MUCH OF MONEY ON ELDER DAUGHTERS MARRIAGE AND GOT HER MARRIED IN OTHER COUNTRY, HER MOTHER AND FATHER IN LAW WILL ALSO THINK SAME FOR YOUR SISTER, EVEN HER HUSBAND WILL THINK LIKE THIS FOR HER..
AND WE NOT ONLY HAVE YOU , WE HAVE MY BROTHERS KIDS TOO TO GET MARRIED AFTER YOU, WE WONT GET GOOD RISHTA’S FOR THEM , I WONT BE ABLE TO GO TO PEOPLE TO ASK FOR GOOD RISHTA FOR TOSE KIDS.
He said, YOUR MOM HAD GONE TO DO ABORTION WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO BE BORN, BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE SAYING ALL WRONG THINGS TO HER , I GOT HER BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, SHE WAS ALMOST ABOUT TO ENTER IN THE OPERATION THEATER , I GOT HER BACK AT HOME… I SAID SO WHAT IF I AM GOING TO GET A DAUGHTER I WILL TAKE CARE OF HER AND TREAT BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS AS MY SON’S… AND YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR COLOUR THIS WAY.. I LOVED YOU SOMUCH I CARED FOR YOU SOMUCH AND THIS IS WHT YOU ARE GIVING IN RETURN TO ME..I KNEW YOUR SISTER IS STRONG, SHE IS SHARP, SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HER , AND YOU ARE VERY BHOLI ,WHN EVER YOU USE TO GO OUT I USETO GET SCARED OF LOSING YOU ….I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY BHOLI BUT I DID NOT KNOW YOU ARE LIKE THIS …her mother also said that AFTER YOU WERE BORN, MY MOTHER HAD HOLDED YOU IN HER HANDS AND SAID,LET ME HOLD HER , SHE WANTED TO HOLD YOU BADLY SO THAT YOU FALL DOWN AND DIE, AS SOON AS I CAME TO KNOWW MY MOTHER IS DOING THIS I INSTANTLY TOOK YOU IN MY ARMS AND DIDNT TALK TO MY MOTHER TILL SHE DIED. .. [Sweety’s father was almost about to cry and mom actually cried]
Then her father said I M A VERY ZIDDI PERSON I WILL DIE BUT NEVER SAY YES FOR THIS THING…
YOU DO WHT EVER YOU WANT, I AM NOT GOING TO SHOUT AT YOU , ITS ALL YOUR DECISION, YOU DO WHT EVER YOU WANT … WE WILL THINK THT WE NEVER HAD 2 DAUGHTERS , WE WILL THINK WE HAVE ONLY ONE DAUGHTER, AND YOU ALSO FORGET THT I WAS YOUR FATHER..
he said , IF YOU DECIDE TO GET MARRIED TO A GUY WE SHOW YOU , THN FIRST YOU MAKE YOUR MIND ,GET OUT OF THAT GUYS THOUGHTS, BE FIRM THT YOU WILL BE HAPPY WITH OTHER GUY AND NOT SPOIL HISÂ Â LIFE, PLEASE DONT SPOILE ANY ONE ELSES LIFE,WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BE HAPPY IF THT PERSON CURSES US LATER ON …INSTED OF THTYO U BETTER GO AN LIVE HAPPY THE WAY YOU WANT.
NO KIDS CAN BE HAPPY IF THEY HURT THR PARENTS AND DO ANY THING AGAINST THEM, THR CURSE NEVER LET THM BE HAPPY, I M NOT SAYING I AM CURSING YOU, I AM ALSO NOT BLESSING YOU, I WISH YOU GO AND BE HAPPY I WISH YOU GET A CROREPATI HUSBAND AND LIVE HAPPYLY, BUT ONCE YOU GET MARRIED TO THT GUY FORGET OUR WORLD… AND WE WILL FORGET YOU,
DONT EVEN GO AND TAKE ANY ONE ELSES HELP I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ANY ONE, I AM A VERY ZIDDI PERSON,I HAD SPOILED ONE GUYS LIFE BECAUSE OF MY STUBBONNES, I WILL NOT LISTEN TO ANY ONE, I HAVE ONLY ONE ANSWER , THT IS NO.
YOU GO DECIDE AND DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT.

dulhan.jpgIts been 3 months, and Sweety is still waiting for her parents to say Yes for her and Rohits relation, she know that her parents had been living with this attitude since somay years, and its not easy to change a mind that has all this since 40 to 45 years in it, she is still fighting this battle of her life with positive attitude,

She is not allowed to meet her friends, because her parents thinks that she has done this because her friends also has boyfriends and girlfriends, and she is spoiled because of them only.
Her parents don’t talk to her much, only if its necessary then only she gets to talk to them, otherwise its all silent whole day, she sits in her room and do nothing, except surfing the net.

Me being a Patel [Leuva Patel], I know that Patel’s has very stupid rules, like. A Patel guy marries a Patel girl only. Also, they have different Patel’s, like –
Leuva Patel
Kadva Patel, etc..
Again in Leuva Patel they have categories, like
Leuva Patel of higher 27 Villages
Leuva Patel of smaller 27 Villages
Leuva Patel of 5 Villages, etc..
Again in these categories, they have differences between each other, the Patel’s of 27 Villages will not marry the Patel’s of 5 Villages, because 27 Villages Patel’s are known as higher community Patel, and 5 Villages Patel’s are known as lower community’s, I am sure Kadva and other Patel’s also must be having these categories.

This is all rubbish, I mean for God sake what difference does it make if you are from 27 Villages or 5 Villages, what difference does it makes if you are Leuva or some other Patel, isn’t it enough for you that you all are PATEL.. ? , isn’t it enough that you all are human being?
Why are you making differences in YOUR OWN cast only?
If this will be the attitude of these people then they are never gonna come up, at least they will never ever be able to walk with 21st century.

After all this and the story of Sweety and Rohit, what I feel is-

  • Why the girl should care about the so called “samaj” who was not ready to accept her even before she was born?
  • Why should she think of making that samaj happy who was not happy when she was born?
  • Her parents did a great job by not killing her after listening to thr samaj’s crap, but does this mean that this girl will have to pay for that?
  • What is her fault if her parent’s samaj didn’t wanted her and they still gave her birth?
  • Why her parents are not thinking that this samaj has a crap bag in the name of brain and a tongue without born, that will keep saying any thing for anyone
  • Why can’t her parents think that if for their and samajs happiness she will pretend to be happy but still she will never be happy with any one else except Rohit?
  • Why they want her to kill her happiness for this dumb samaj?
  • if they never listened and cared about thr samaj 23 years ago and got thr daughter in this world then why cant she not care about this samaj and do what she want?
  • Why is she not free to like or love someone and live happily with her partner?
  • Why they are not happy with another cast’s guy just because he doesn’t share the same surname as they do?
  • What difference does it make if the guy has a different surname, he is a human being, don’t you think so?
  • Why cant parents think that he is the only person who is going to keep thr daughter happy always, because not just thr daughter but even he loves her.

All these years’ parents do everything to keep thr daughter happy and when she asks for the real happiness from thm, it’s a big NO with thm to give her.
If these parents are actually 21st century’s parents, then why are they behaving like 17th century parents?

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Megha Patel.

775 comments

  1. SP   •  

    Hi,
    I’m also in a same situation. I’m in love with a non-brahmin guy (I belong to brahmin caste) and I have been trying to convince my parents since 4yrs. They are very adamant upon this and not agreeing at all. My guy is ready to marry me at any cost. I don’t want to marry without my parents consent. Please help me to convince my parents.

  2. Bhawna yadav   •  

    Hii … Am hindustani yadav girl and my boyfriend is baniya … His name is ankit bansal .. 5 years of our relAtionship is complete … My bf family is narrow minded … How to convence them ….

  3. Chinmay   •  

    hi friends I have also face the same problem.what to do I don’t know.my name Chinmay and my g.f name Divya.we aare belong to (Hindu_and Telugu)..but my mother and father to don’t abide it ……what to do I am don’t know????? plz,,,,, help me …..

  4. Harpreet   •  

    Hi
    I am a Sikh girl and faced the same problm 3 years back but now me and my bf will b getting married on 19 april.
    Our story was really complicated ,so many hurdles were there because my boyfriend’s father belongs to Bihar.Everybdy sees them at very lower level.
    3 years back when i told my mother abt ma relationship with that guy..she was shocked.den aftr some days she told my dad..My dad was really badly hurt ,cried a lot ,my brother ,5 years younger to me snatched my phone..stopped me to go to office..
    Dad tried to convince me but i was not ..den I said i will nt marry anyone if they will nt agree to it..my father said okay .we will find a match for ur sistr den.if you dnt want to marry.its ur decision.we will not force u.
    I started living quiet at home.i became sad n lonely.
    Den one day my youngst sistr called me and told me that my father is nt speaking to anybdy .he is statued totally.
    Then i ran from ma office, reachd the hospital n got to know that he had a blood clot in his brain.
    My brother had also admitted to hospital few days before he had an accident and a metal piece had gone to his eye.he was at mama’s house .we dont tell him anythng abt dad.my bf was alwayz with me at this tough time.
    But we cant be able to save my father ,he expired after 4 months at home.many people blamed me that i killed him..i started accepting this that i am the only reason.i killed my father.i am selfish.

    After ma dad i look aftr my family.only i was doing job.den after 2.5 years my brother said ask ur bf parents to decide a date to marry.i was surprised n happy.

    Den started preparations for marriage.and now my tau ji chacha ji are nt supporting.my brother is doing everything alone..
    Sometimes i curses me because he has to listen bad comments from the relatives
    .he came home and says that if other sistrs will do the same i will leave the house..
    These wordings once again made me cried…

    Why why we cant marry our choices..why comes the caste in between the relations.

    Sanjog uparwale ne likhe h.ye kyu ni samjhte log..:( 🙁
    I love my father the most.i miss him..
    Kya sab meri wajah se hua???
    Maine sabse papa cheen liye??
    Mummy se unke husbnd cheen liye???

  5. mithi   •  

    Facing d same prblm….im a rajput girl n my bf z sikh….we r childhood frnds n luv each othr so much …his family z ready fr dere son’s happines but all d rejection drama z frm my family syd .im trying to conveince dem as i hv lost my dad n i m d elder one in d family….feelin so much depressed n broken but i want to b wd him at any cost …dnt knw at to do jst prayin n hopin fr d. Best.. plz tell me ur views wat shd i do …

  6. riya   •  

    I belong to typical marvadi family….i got angaged when i was 3 years old…..its nt according to me..bt acc. to my family..and society…bt now i grown up…and i dnt like that guy…he cant understand me…if i break my angagement wid him….my papa will be avoided by the samaj…on another side i fall in love wid south indian guy…who loves me alot…he loves me like a hell….his mom knows about us and she is ready to accept our relationship..bt still no one knows abt him in my family….and i know my father will nt accept him….and whenever kisi aur ki beti bhag jati he to he always say that esi beti ko goli mar deni chahie….papa beti ko jaha dege soch samaj k hi degs…now what should i do…my guy loves mr alot..and if he cant get me he will nt marry to another girl….he loves me like a hell…he never hides anything frm me….plz suggest me what should i do…how can i meet him to my parents..and how can i tell my parents abt mine relationship….

  7. Meenu   •  

    Hello everyone,
    I am a dentist by profession and a pandit by religion. I am in a relationship with a guy who is jaat and an engineer. He belongs to a well educated and rich family. His father is in army and they own lot of property in delhi.
    I told my parents about Jai 3yrz bak itself. But it’s been 3 long years and my parents have still not agreed. They are so stubborn. We thought may be we should achive some thing higher than wat v have already. That’s jai worked day amd night and has now admission in world’s 10th ranked college. Only 25people wer give offer letter. We thot may be after this my parents will agree but still they are stringent. I have been just crying habe tried and said every possible to make them undertand but all in vain. My parents have even told me to die or commit suicide rather than marrying jai. I am finding it so hard to live as i can’t imagine my life without him nor can i bring shame to my parent’s upbringing by eloping with Jai. I never thought my parents would been so stone hearted towards me. Its been 3 yrz since I have been struggling. I really can’t see a way out…please help me. Can a jaat convert to become a pandit…can v do anything to make him pandit????

  8. nithya   •  

    I am lovng a boy since 3 yrs ..He is muslim (orthodox familya his father is ziddi) am christain ,many tyms our parents caught us..got mny beats from dad & mom.still v r in relation. 2 days before wen i kol him his dad attend the kol.. it had an problem.his mother told if he continues this relation he should forget his mother. my mother says if i call him again my mother will die . :(.. we dont know what to do but only think i want to marry him.i told him i will conveet my religion for him..he says he wont marry me by againstng his parents.. 🙁 .. v both had planned for future …i tried to suicide but there is many hindrances..now i dont know what to do.. i want to marry him ..please help me

  9. shipra   •  

    Hi. Firstly my best wishes to you as you have helped people overcome their worst fear with your invaluable advises.I (Brahmin girl)am in a relationship with a Marwari Jain guy.

    Irrespective of how traditional our society is, we both decided to continue our relationship thinking such obstacles can be someday dealt with.Until,one day the guy faced extreme pressure from his parents , with numerous reasons like

    Society will break relation with them
    Society will taunt them
    Society will not offer hands for the daughters of their family
    What if the girl cannot be a perfect Marwari vadhu?
    What if she can never adjust with Marwari rules and rebels to abide by them?
    What if intercaste marriage results in life long fights and compromise

    And If the whole saga materliase which will be no less than a miracle, the girl is expected to show immense dedication and prove herself.Why? Isn’t she an individual first and then someones wife or daughter in law (such is the case with every girl in India, granted its more in a marwari family)
    To add to it the guys dosent has much say(they cant change rules of the society) , but to accept the same and so his wife.

    Such views not only were brought aloud by them ,but now seem crucial for a successful marriage.Now, either i wait for things to materialise or ask the guy to give an final answer.The latter seems difficult as he is not settled and is yet to convince his family and relatives.In their family ,relatives approval is of utmost importance too.The process of convincing everyone will takes no less than a year and i do not know whether the outcome will be positive or not.

    The guys family has shown stern displeasure and so he has decided to wait until he gets an approval from his family and by default so m I.We don not know , when will things come to an positive end.The struggle has just begun ,with a bumpy long road ahead.I am scared that my love too will fall prey to conservative beliefs and societal pressure.Amidst such stress, my guys undying faith that someday he will convince them is what keeps me going each day.

    I really hope, that like others who have waited for years to unite with their partner.We too, find this strength and patience to be able to face all the obstacles and meet some day.

  10. Faizan   •  

    Please Say YES to INTER CASTE MARRIAGE and Let true lovers lead their life and avoid suicide Its been a trend now a days that “Love Marriages are happening when lovers are of same caste” Happy for at-least love is getting succeeded but what about true lovers of different castes what sin did they do why separate them without agreeing their love ?

  11. Faizan   •  

    Hello everyone I am a muslim and my so called wife is a jain. Her parents cried in front of me by taking samaj people I let her go to ther parents .. its almost 10 month we are still in contact inshallah we’ll be together soon.. need ur blessings

  12. Rohit Parashar   •  

    i do not think that prblm is in love or arrange marriage. .

    bt in present time lack of trust become a struggling thing for evryone. .
    lack of trust between childrens and their parents. .
    lack of trust between two lovers. .

    because of this lack of trust evry relation hav sm weakness. .

    show your trust on your relations. .
    if situation are opposites smtimes after they will come in control. .

    in present time its not too much hard working to change the thought of society. .

    i m also in love with my swtst partner. . nd i will always pay my attention like a lifepartner not like a lover. .
    i told my parents about her. .they hav no objection. .

    one day i will go to their parents myself. . . . i will ask what kind of boy they want for their girl. . . trying to proof myself best. .

    nd i hav full cnfidnce. .i will convence them for marriage. .
    and fact about society. .society never comes in your life when u hav a struggling time in your life. . .

    just trying to get your aim with trust nd cnfidnce. .
    evrythng will be yours. .
    nthng is impossible !!

  13. ASHA   •  

    I HAVE ALSO SAME PROBLEM.I AM LEUVA PATEL AND MY B.F IS KADAVA PATEL. HIS PARENTS ACCEPT ME BUT MY PARENTS DO NOT AGREE WITH IT. I AM IN TROUBLE I DONT KNOW WHAT CAN I DO? PLZ HELP…….

  14. JK   •  

    There should not be problem in inter-caste marraigs now as today we are in 20th century and we understands what we needs to have good marraige life. As per me Understanding plays most important part in our marraige life and if it is ther between 2 persons then that would become a nice couple throughout the life.
    I stands against those who stands against Love…..

  15. Bhumika   •  

    Hi Megha!
    I am bhumika! And I am also facing this intercaste issues! I am being in this relationship with a Jaat guy from past 4 years! But his mother Is not at all ready to accept this relationship. Whenever he talks about me he gets sucidal threats from her. I am so much pissed of as neither I can say anything to him and I have no other option we both strongly want to marry each other but this castism don’t know wat to say wat to do tension and depression and fear of losing him all the time! Please guide me!

  16. Manish Negi   •  

    hi all, i have same problem, i m a rajput boy and my Gf is belong to Sc community. first i told my father about her, and he refused to accept it. but after 5 month he aggried to accept her. now its her turn to convience her father , she first told her mother about that matter, and her mother told her father that our daughter loves a guy who is not belonging to our community. that her father become angry on her. she told her to talk with the guy but he refused but after insisting he talked with me. and told that this will not happen in our community. meri biradari mujhe biradari se bedhakhal kr degi, tere ghar waale accept nhi karenge isko, m tujhe ghar m aake goli maar dunga(he is a police man). than he took the number of my father and called him, aur mere papa to badi mushkil se maane they jb unhone suna ki dusri taraf se bhi mana h to unko mauka mil gaya unhone bola ki m bhi mana kr raha tha apne bete ko but mana hi nahi to maine bola ki pehle tumse baat kr le ki tum maanoge to m bhi maan jaaunga, lekin uske papa nhi maane aur 5 din baad apni community waale ladke ko ghar bula k rishta fix kr diya aur agle hafte uska ROKA bhi kr diya aur ab next month uski sagai h. guys mujhko samajh nhi aa raha ki m kya karu. kyuki meri Gf bol rahi h ki uske papa ne uspe bachpan se haath nhi uthaya tha lekin ye sunne k baad uska gala tk daba diya maarne k liye vo to uski mmy ne bachaya usko, aur vo kuch bhi kr sakte h aapke saath aapko maar bhi sakte h jb unhone mujhko nhi chhoda to aapko kyu chhodenge isliye usne us ladke ko haa kr di aur ab mana nhi kr sakti kyuki sagai ki saari taiyaariya ho gyi h aur ab mana karne m community m relatives m bohot badnaami hogi aur uske papa ab patani kya kr denge.. guys plz help me, m kya karu uske papa ki thinking kaise badlu cast ko leke kyuki unka manna h ki intercast marriages nhi chalti toot jaati h. kyuki vo police waale h to vo aise cases roj dekhte h. plz guy help me, i cant live without her, we are in a relation from 5 years and suddenly this is happening with us vo bhi ek chhoti soch ki wajah se.

  17. Jigar Shah   •  

    Dear All,

    There is one good news that I want to share with you as my good wishers. Me and my gf are tie a knot with the help of our parents in front of all the social memebers on 07 march,2014.

    One day I was in the same position as some of you are today. Then I tried to convience my family members keeping my relatives in Loop. Ultimately date got fixed and Huge celebration with the help of all good wishers happened on 7march,2014.

    Its purely intercast marraige. My self Jain(Hindu-Gujarati) working at L&T Baroda Office & wife is Rajput(Pune-Maharashtrian) working at L&T Powai,Mumbai. After 03 years non stop efforts , we have tied a knot of fruitful marraige and now we are together.

    We have faced lots of problem like angriness from family,discarded from house ,pendulum type decision making and always in worries for marraige. By mercy of GOD, now we are together and living happily with family.

    I want to say to all the parents that only good boy and good girl is morethan important then any marraige. They are ultimately our.children. Give them freedom to take this decision. Trust.and understanding should be key factor.

    I want to thank all of you and my family memebers along with my in laws which are very superb and practical. All the best.

    Regards
    Sonali &Jigar

  18. vinay   •  

    seeing the comments I came to know that in india inter caste is main biggest problem in love. … Every 1 are human beings then y thy hv difference in caste for example if a gujarat guy met with a accident his condition will be severe tht time thy will be a another caste doctor during tht will the injured guy samaj say caste or treatment first….Every one are same no 1 is different between each other …fr me tr is a boy caste and gal caste thts it…..no gowdas , patels , brahmins r any other things. …

  19. subhkaran   •  

    I am bhullar jatt sikh boy,i am in love with Panwar gharwali girl but her family is not allowing for marriage.Sikhs and Rajputs share a bond in rajasthan but it looks like in dehradun many people don’t know it.I love her so much but why are they lot letting us marry when money is not a problem my parents are ready to accept hindu wife for me.

  20. ishmeet kaur   •  

    Caste is not a big problem. It is all our samaj thinking samaj just talks for someday’s and the life goes on.parents plz understand its lyf of ur children…

  21. ishmeet kaur   •  

    I belong to a panjabi family and my bf is from rajput family. My parents are also not ready for the marriage and my bf parents are also not. I don’t know why all dis happen. I belong from a good family and my bf too than also parents are just thinking of this stupid samaj. infact they know that if something bad happens with me they will never help just they will always talk rubbish. I am also convincing my family from 7 months. But I want to say you all that just be true with your partner and just convince your parents one day they will definitely say yes……

  22. vipin tanwar   •  

    hello mam!..
    i have all these problems too…
    im a sc boy and my love is a gujarati brahmin
    it will not be that much difficult to convince my parents but the main problem is of her father…he is so ziddi, all tym angry and so egoist …
    i am doing mbbs just to make a repo in front of her parents so that it would help us in future …we are in relationshio since 3 yrs…
    and we have two more years for marriage..
    but the biggest problem is, sometimes when she think abut our future , what will happen , wo manenge ya nai…yahi sab baate.. me usko samjhata bhi hu ki abhi mat soch ye sab ….usko yakeen dilata hu i hum saath rahenge… i will be successful so uske parents thoda to maane… par wo sad ho jaati hai…
    mjhe samajhh nai aa rha wo kaise zyada khush rahegi abhi break up karke ya fir tab tak aise chalake jab tak baat na ho parents se…but i cannot live without her, its like impossible…i just want to grow old with her , want to see her smile … i can do anything to get her but she doesn’t want to hurt her pparents…
    just tell me something mam plzzz

  23. ankita jain   •  

    Hi Pari,
    I too am jain. And same thing is happening with me. If u dont mind can u tell me whether your parents are convinced or not?

  24. ankita jain   •  

    Hi megha,

    I too am in same problem. I am a jain marwari girl in relationship with a gujrati boy from lower caste for almost 8 years now. My parents and my family are just not agreeing to it. Its been a year now that I told them about the relationship but they still not ready to listen to anything. They have issues with him being a non jain and that too a lower caste. They cant see anything beyond that. They guys parents are ready. Even if I leave home they will accept me.
    No one means absolutely no one in my family has done intercaste or love marriage. They say all the things that you mentioned in the post and say I will ruin the family name and bring shame to the enitre family. Jain marwari people are big on society and community life. If I do love marriage my parents will be shamed in my family n society. So my dad says he won’t ever keep relations with me nor will allow my mom. He says he will take an oath of never keeping any relations with me. All my uncles also say if my parents do accept me they wont keep any relations with them then. I have seen evidencea were other families have suffered beacuse their daughters did love marriage outside our samaj. They are not respected and ignored by relatives and other people of our samaj.
    What am I supposed to do? How do I try to reason with them? I have tried every possible arguements.
    I was working earlier but now they have stopped my job as well. I am going absolutely crazy thinking about these things over and over again. they have given me 2 options. Either leave the guy or leave them forever. And they are pressurising me to take a decision asap. Even if I dont marry anyone else they are ok with that. But not that guy. I cant even imagine living without the guy. The mere thought sends chills down my spine. Slowly I am going into depression because of this.
    Please do reply.

  25. Kunju   •  

    I mean my lover’s parents

  26. Kunju   •  

    Oh girl ask me what pain is this? In my case I can convince my parents becasue I know they love me enough to keep me happy, but my love once are doing same thing

  27. sravan   •  

    me to have same problem what other lovers facing…
    Dear parents,

    The god whom do you pray daily don’t have a caste why the caste to human beings like us.

    If u belive god accept love.

    The love

  28. Megha   •     Author

    angel12:

    You and your partner seem to be very practical people,

    Whatever you both have done so far, was right, but for some reason now when you both feel that the connection between both of you does not exist, i feel you guys should get separated, because its no point carrying the relation further just because you had great understanding and supported each other in all ups and downs so far,

    It happens that you feel connected and after some time the connection gets lost, its good that it happened now, what if it had happened after your marriage ? it would have been worst,

    What does your heart says ? if it says, give a second chance to the relation, than go ahead, try your luck, but if it says, no, i don’t want to continue, the spark is missing, things are not same as earlier. Than just leave it.

    About the age factor you are talking about, you are not too old to get married, neither you will be at 27, (That’s what i believe) so forget that factor, what important is, what your heart feels,

    Also its not just about you, its about your partner, if he really doesn’t want to give a second chance to the relation, its no point forcing someone to even try, even if he tried and took a second chance for the old time sake, it will be waste of time and energy, no point hanging around a relation that does not have the spark anymore.

    In short, I would suggest you both to sit together once, talk your heat out, and make a final decision.

  29. angel12   •  

    Hello Maam, Iam a 25 year old gal(Non brahmin) in love with a brahmin guy of same age. We both are loving each other from past 3 years.He comes from a lower middle class family and his family is very orthodox. His parents are not much educated and his father was not in a good job position too. My parents are well educated and they both are working. Iam from upper middle class family. We have not yet informed our parents about our relationship. Because we thought we need to set few things before going ahead and telling them about our decision.Firstly, when we met we had just started with our career, since we faced lot of trouble with career it took us finally 3 years to settle down with a good job and an average good salary.We thought we should be well settled with our jobs before we talk about our marriage to parents.We faced lot of troubles in making our career. Apart from that he had loans to clear and his educational loan too. So we thought if he clears some of his loans then we will be free to take decision since his parents are financially dependent on him and as his brother.So along with settling our career we started fixing his debts too. We succeeded also to some extent even though not much or as we planned. His family is now planning to get his brother married off. But we are not sure how long they will take to do it since he is just 1 year elder to us.We wanted to show our parents that we are matured enough by doing all these things. But while doing all these things and trying to achieve our career and financial goals we have strained our relationship(with lot of fights and misunderstandings). And he has less time left to achieve financial things, convince his parents and make his brother get married and become ready to marry me in another 2years because iam already 25 and I dont want to be unmmaried after 27. Today we both are not feeling anything towards each other and we have frustated each other.We feel we both are not meant for each other and we don’t feel love for each other. I wanted him to clear half of his debts and save some money for our marriage and future. I understand if u love someone, you have to accept whatever comes. I chose to be with him even after knowing his financial situation because I thought one should give importance to human being rather than money because money comes and goes but character is what decides you in the end.But at the same time, I want to be planned and organised and we plan our future. But he says it’s wrong and Iam putting unnecessary pressure on him and we are different in this way. We both felt these achievements, which we thought will bring us together, has taken our happiness,peace,our bond and love.Iam not able to figure out what went wrong in between us?Can we still make our relationship work and tell our parents about our decision with all these difficulties (money,time, parents approval) get married with their blessings?Iam really confused about taking decision,please help me by sharing your thoughts.

  30. Pranit   •  

    Hey Megha ! its the problem now for all love marriages.
    all the one’s in love can do is fight with a positive attitude and try and make parents understnd it not what caste matters but the person whm u are marrying..
    i m having the same problem at my girls side… and i m worried and tensd…
    hope everyhtng falls on my side soon…

  31. Megha   •     Author

    Nisha:

    May be your or your boyfriends parents said no for the marriage, but i think they were right.

    If your guy can not stand for you, and breakup with you as soon as his parents said no for this relation, he is not worth being with,

    Here you must thank your and his parents for showing you mirror that this guy is not right for your.

    Whatever happens is for good 🙂 get on this, and live your life at fullest, it has lots to give you,

    And most important, Respect Parents 🙂

  32. Megha   •     Author

    Sonakshi:

    Well, I would say that this is your mistake of not thinking about future and just follow your heart blindly thinking that its a bed of roses if you marry the person you love.

    Be it a love marriage or arranged marriage, or anything in your life … you/your partner need to think about future first, today may seem beautiful, but no one can predict future for anything/situation.

    And your problem is nothing, people live with much bigger issues for whole life, you need to learn to accept and adjust with the situation that you have put yourself in by getting married to someone you wanted to. you have chosen this life, so you have to deal with it,

    Now, first of all, get out of the state of mind that “oh, my life is so sad and this is happening to me”, and start thinking about how to deal with this, if your in-laws and partner has some thinking, it is not going to change overnight just because you are sad about it, people change, but you need to give time.

    Think 🙂

  33. Vibes   •  

    Hello Jigar,
    This reply is for you.
    There is no problem at all in your case. Her parents are ready, your mother is ready. Tell your father that she is working in same company you are so she has same status as you. While falling in love with that girl did you think it is wrong????? Then why are you thinking now man? Just go ahead hold her and start walking journey of life together. I bet you that you will be happiest person on this earth. An regarding your father, when he will see you happy in your life, even he will become happy and get along with you people. So go ahead man. All the best for your married life with your love.

  34. Sonakshi Rai   •  

    Hi Megha, I was a regular reader of your Blog, in fact after reading your blog I got strength when I were in need. I got married with my boy friend. But Megha and with all of you, now I think I did wrong, I should not have done inter-caste marriage. Really I should not have done that. Let me explain you why, I am Jaat and He is Punjabi. 1) Our parents are not comfortable with each other, they barely talk with each other. They don’t understand each others language. My in laws speaks Punjabi, and my family speaks Haryanvi. 2) My mother in law never talk with me much, we only talks for cooking part like what to cook in dinner or lunch. I started sharing my things with her but she never responded me back, and never consider me her daughter, she just talk to her daughter, and share everything with her only. Even she never share small small things of my home. If she need suggestion, then again she only talk to her daughter. So, I feel very alone. 3) I can’t discuss these issues with my family as I did marriage of my own, no doubt my parents were with me but they advice me not to do inter caste marriage. 4) Our all rituals are different, even My Husband don’t understanding me from my side rituals. like if my family invites us for any occasion, my Husband thinks her married sister and her family should be invited there, else its disrespect for them, but at my mothers side rituals only my in laws should be invited NOT her married sister family. In these types of things I can’t force my family to call them every time, as they feels then I am changing there rituals also. You know sometimes I told my family to invite them, but my Husband never see this. He only taunted me for that occasion in which they are not invited.
    Megha, I really feel alone at that home, even when I share these issues with my husband, even he knows her mother did wrong but he never said anything to her mom, but he just said it happens. Please help me Megha, What I do. I feel I did very wrong, and I never thought about these issues before my marriage. Help Me!!

  35. nisha   •  

    yaaaa…..

    What my samaj and what my cast…?

    Same story happened with me.. my b.f rejected me . he loves me a lot but becoze of his parents he reject me…..

    but why…? what was my fault…. i love that guy very very much nd he also love me… but my bedluck…

  36. Jigar   •  

    Hi,
    I am facing this problem from last 3 months.
    I am mechanical & she is civil engineer & working is same multinational Company from last 2 years .We both are settled.My age is 25 & she is 22. I am Baniya from Gujarati family & She is Rajput from Pune. In my case , her parents were aggring from first day when they saw me. My mother accepted relation but my father is rejecting & saying its ur life ,take decision.We will support you only in our caste.

    Now, my loved one is very good, nice,carying,& family oriented.She supports me till date & keep doing in convicing my father.It hurts me when all are agree except my father then how to convince??

    We both family are of middle Class,pure vegeterian & nevertheless me & loved one have 35/36 in Gun(thanks to GOD). My father explains you deserve much good girl in our cast. Question comes, our matching after lots of things like job,understanding, family background, education,love,understanding, trust,Gun are not enough then there is no matter of thinking for other ones

    I am trying to convience them upto best possible extent.( by including my frds , some relatives & frds of mine father). I want her &she wants me. Am i taking any wrong decision? What should I do??

  37. Pari   •  

    i too have the same problem. i am a jain. My love is bengali. My parents wont agree to this relationship. The guy is ready to convert to jainism. He is also not having non-vegetarian for past 4 years. My family says that i have to marry the guy of their choice. Please give me advice, how to convince my parents for our relationship.

  38. kavita   •  

    Hi Megha,
    I am also in the same condition.I am Gujrati girl (27 years) and my boyfriend is Bengali(28 yerars) .v both studied in the same school.V both are in relationship for last 12 years.He told his parents about me 4 years back.I have also met them.His parents have accepted me as their daugher-in-law.His family is very understading. Problem is with my family.I belong to a very conservative busniess family.i have told everthing to my parents that I want to marry my bf 2 years back.But they are not ready to meet him.They say that whole family will die if i think of marrying him.Now i have forced by my parents to leave my job.I am on house arrest now.my family will kill me i dont marry a gujrati boy.I have shown rishtas.I have been tortured an emotional blackmailed everyday.Initially my younger brother supported me but now he is on my parents side.I also cannot legally marry the boy because v both are in the same city.My family will kill the boy and his family.No body is supporting me.I have been blackmailed like anything.I am an MBA graduate and u see the situatn.Thisis India where however qualified u are and good you are does not matter to anyone.what matters is did i marry a boy from my caste??? What to do i do to convince my family.Please help.please.I want to have my parents blessings and marry my bf.How is dis possible?? I will die without him.I cannot accept anyone as my husband.He is very good person and settled and also earning well.Pls help me with your suggestions.

  39. Pragathi   •  

    Hi,
    I am also going through same problem. me and my guy love each other a lot and also we are working. i too got a proposal because of which i had to inform my parents about my guy. i told mom. my parents will agree but his parents will not and a big NO. he convinced them so much begged them but even they said reputation caste and their respect in the society.we have no idea how to manage and what to do.we cant go against his parents also. since he is a brahmin, i stopped eating non veg and trying to be like his caste. but they said NO.they are saying tht he can marry me but it will lead to their death.his parents said if she was of our caste then we would have agreed happily but she is not so its NO. i need him as my husband because he is a wonderful person.nobody can love and care for me like him. I love u Ashwin bharadwaj

  40. Pinki   •  

    Hii, Megha dear ..You can see my earlier comments on this page itself, Now I am married with the man of my love and it was a social marriage where almost every one took part. Yes, It took almost three years but finally our dream come true 🙂 . thanks for your support

  41. Sambit   •  

    Hi Megha,

    I am also in same condition.Me & my girl both are Hindu. But i am in upper cast & she is in lower.From last 3 yrs I am trying to convenience my parents but no result.I did everything what my seniors or friends told me.I introduced my girl with my parents,asked my brothers & sisters to convenience parents. I can’t say what I did to make them convenience .There are no issue from girl’s parent side.But only issue with her age.She doesn’t have much time to wait for me and for me whole road is blank.

    Please suggest some thing as I don’t want to separate from her..

  42. AMIT   •  

    HI MERA NAAM AMIT HAI MAI MARAWDI BRAHAMAN SAMAJ SE BILONG KARTA HU LEKIN MERELIYE CAST KUCH BHI MAYANE NAI RAKH TI OR MAI EK BUDHIST LADKISE SHADI KARNA CAHATA HU HAM DONO KE GHARWALE KISI BHI TARHA SE NAHI MAAN RAHE HAI SAMAJ ME NAHI AA RAHA KE KYA KARE HAM DONO MAIDAL CLASS SE HAI PLAISE HAME GAID KARE ……………..PLAISE

  43. divya aggarwal   •  

    hey!
    i was net surfing about “how can i let my parents know that i love a guy,nd they are orthodox!” and i came across dis site! hey dere..do reply please.
    i am in love wd dis guy since 3 years.we had our ups and downs.i promised to marry him.now my family is looking for a guy for me..my bf jai, he is in btech last year.searching for job and all. am living in pg.whenever my mom calls me up.she is like kuch bhi krna,dnt fall in love..yae din mat dikhana bus!! i am so scraed .d guy is like..i know you wont marry me.. but i want to..and i also know dat if i push my parents too mh.day will stop my studies,make me sit at home.he is a pandit.veru reputed family.business man father. my father and mom are principal and techer.. please tell me what should i do.my mom does not like him..because my mami has once seen me wid him and complained to my mom..soo my mother hates his name.what should i do? i want him and only him
    please please anyone…do help me out..am so scared…so very scared .. i love him badly.. and i love my family too.. :'(

  44. Ajitabh Verma   •  

    Hi,

    Megha i ajitabh planning of writing a book on the inter cast marriages that its so hard in India to do so and would require your permission can i write this story in my book as well..

  45. Sapna   •  

    Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    I am in big trouble
    don’t know what to do
    i am in love with a rajput boy from bihar & i am from gujarati vaishnav family. we are in relation from 2 yrs.
    My father was expired before 3 yrs, i don’t want to heart my mother & my brother & so that i am convincing them from very first day
    but no result .. & because my father is no more all my relatives taking decision on my behalf

    the boy is from very coservative family still there family mambersare ready but my family members are total aginst of all these.they are also telling the same thing samaj ..relatives.. reputation……..

    the boy is not financially well but he is that much capable that we can live life smoothly. from very first day we both have same suggestion thatthe we will wait till the are parents are not going to ready for this relation,but i am tired now
    my parents stopped me to go office, not allow to talk any freinds … this is the punishment of loving some one.. they all treating like i had done some serious crime…no idea what to do ??????

  46. Naba   •  

    Have seen in own home. Parents used to have very bad life after a marriage like this without their approval. they used to die each and every day without their dearest son/daughter. Nothing can heel their pain. Love if creates unhappiness in own parents life, then it is really bad.

  47. badal   •  

    i agree wid u piyush . i m facing the same problem dey abused me n my be loved …..dis is just a shit thinking off bloody hell samaj n der rules n regulation …..reputation nn respect toh sab ki hoti hai par uski wajah se kisi ka pyarr chin lena ya unko alag karna its not fair n sala bhagvan ko bhi maze aate yeh sab karne mein …..
    ek sidhi line mein parents agree nai kar sakte hai ….i just feel to kill myself …rite my parents are torturing me hell…its total worst condition …main kuch karta hu toh sochte hai yeh abhi kuch galat kaam karega…
    I JUST FEEEL ASHAMED BEING RAJPUT >

  48. Piyush   •  

    It is really shame that Rajput families still do not believe in inter-caste marriages even if that person is really good. This is the case with me.

    I m Patel boy and I had a lovely relation with a Rajput girl. Unfortunately, when girl said that thing to her father, her father said they have samaj n respect in samaj.
    “Samaj” my foot… Samaj will never come to help you when you are in trouble.
    N then girl said that she will marry me only or no one else.

    Then her stupid father started shouting at her mother. Is it really your culture n your “samaj”? He started using abusive words to her. This is what hurt me the most. The girl could not bear that and just agreed to forget that me…. N what was my mistake? Why a woman has to suffer so much just because she is born in orthodox family?

    Really hate those people and just wish they never get a daughter or any son in their family…

  49. Snehal   •  

    hii, Megha,

    even in my case the same story is going on…same mentality from my parents ..difficult to convene thme…dnt knw wht to do nw…

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